MOSCOW, IDAHO—Urging his brothers to not be total dumbasses and let their “Covid-infested nards” ruin rush week, University Of Idaho’s Theta Chi president Christopher Allen reportedly chewed out members that had been infected with coronavirus Friday for not sanitizing their balls before teabagging pledges. “All right, guys, I really shouldn’t have to say this again at this point, but if you’re going to slap your scrotum on a newbie’s face and make him lick it, that shit better taste like straight-up Purell,” said Allen, adding that he’d specifically requested hand sanitizer stations to be placed around the house so that residents could easily disinfect their balls, penises, or assholes before forcing freshmen to perform lewd acts on them. “I’m just saying—I know lots of you are running fevers or whatever, so it’s extra important that even if you’re blackout drunk, you put that shit in the sink, use antibacterial soap, and sing “Happy Birthday” twice. If we do this Covid stuff right, I know that we can drop our pants and sit on these pledge’s faces in a safe, healthy way. But if we don’t, say goodbye to fall formal—especially you, Kyle, your balls are disgusting.” At press time, Allen added that it was also of the utmost importance for Theta Chi brothers to set a good example for the rest of the campus by always wearing a mask when socializing with girls, especially after they have passed out.