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THE HEAVENS—Expressing their excitement over the unexpected windfall, heavenly sources confirmed Thursday that eternal paradise was flush with cash after the Trump administration sent $1.4 billion in stimulus funds to dead Americans. “I felt a little guilty about spending my check because I didn’t really need the money, but I’ll admit, it’s been nice to go out to eat more and finish up a few DIY projects I’ve been working on around the firmament,” said the departed soul of Henry Davies, telling reporters that the sizable cash infusion had helped buoy the flagging tourism industry for popular afterworld spots like Valhalla and the River Lethe. “It’s nice to see people out and about in the Kingdom of God spending freely, and we’re expecting a second round of stimulus checks soon as well as a massive influx of deceased Americans, so the economy should be booming for the foreseeable future. It’s a great time to be dead!” Davies went on to admit some frustration that the $1,200 per person didn’t come close to the massive corporate giveaway Congress had approved for businesses based in Hell. 

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