One of the most common pieces of advice from TikTok and Instagram therapists is to set healthy boundaries with the people in your life. Typically, the recommended boundaries are with partners, family members, coworkers, and friends. But according to Adam Grant, Ph.D., an organizational psychologist at Wharton, it’s also important to put limits on ambivalent relationships, too: Including those with our frenemies.
In an op-ed for the New York Times, Grant explains why relationships in this category can be bad for both our mental and physical health, and how we can establish the necessary boundaries. Here’s what to know.
What are ambivalent relationships?
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Most people tend to think about the relationships in their life as being positive or negative, and either embrace or avoid them accordingly. “But the most toxic relationships aren’t the purely negative ones,” Grant writes. “They’re the ones that are a mix of positive and negative.” In other words, ambivalent relationships.
You know the type: Sometimes they’re on your side, while other times they’re actively making things harder for you. According to Grant, frenemies fall into this category, but so can family members, coworkers, neighbors, or other people you interact with on a regular basis.
We may try to convince ourselves that because these aren’t entirely negative relationships, we can—and should—simply put up with the person. But Grant doesn’t see it that way, and points to several studies indicating that ambivalent relationships are bad for our physical and mental health.
How to set boundaries with your frenemies
Instead of putting your body and mind through the stress of dealing with a frenemy or other ambivalent relationship, here are a few ways you can establish boundaries with the person:
Be honest and direct, but kind
If this is a person you’re able to sever ties with—like a frenemy, as opposed to a parent—Grant says it’s best not to ghost them, or say something like “This relationship isn’t healthy for me,” which he explains essentially amounts to telling them they’re a bad person.
“The goal is to be as candid as possible in what you say and as caring as possible in how you say it,” he notes, suggesting saying something more nuanced, like “The mix of good and bad here isn’t healthy for us.”
Opt for “I” statements
Instead of pointing out all the things the other person is doing wrong, make your case using “I” statements. This means explaining your concerns, needs, and feelings without blaming your frenemy.
Think in terms of the value of your time
Time is a precious and finite resource, so why would you give yours to someone who stresses you out? Rather than subjecting yourself to a potentially toxic experience, Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed therapist and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace, says it’s important to get comfortable saying “no” to other people. “Boundaries around how you spend your time and allow others to use it are essential,” Tawwab told CNBC in an interview.