This week we’re gawking at the weird fetishes, beverages, and viewing habits of young people. Instead of doing it the normal way (missionary position with the lights out), older Gen-Zers and millennials are “gooning.” The younger set is also into getting pep from the caffeine in Prime energy drinks instead of snorting rails of coke (weird). Worst of all, their Willy Wonka is Timothée fucking Chalamet instead of Gene Wilder (horrible).
Are Prime energy drinks dangerous for kids?
Table of Contents
If you’re the kind of avid news reader who listens to Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me, I’m sure you’re aware that Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer wants the FDA to look into Prime energy drinks. Prime is a line of three sweet, uncarbonated beverages created by YouTube stars Logan Paul and KSI. Mainly marketed though social media and sports team sponsorships, Prime is the hip brand of sugar water among the more annoying segments of Gen-Z.
Two of the three Prime drinks are sold as post-workout “it’s got electrolytes!” sports drinks. The third is the problem, according to Schumer, mainly because of the caffeine content. The “energy drink” is packed with 200 mgs per 12-ounce can, or roughly the caffeine in six cans of Coca-Cola. That’s a lot of “energy” for anyone, but Paul and KSI’s fanbases are primarily children, and pediatricians recommend people under 12 avoid caffeine entirely, and that those between 12 and 18 limit their intake to 100 mg (about a cup of coffee) per day.
New kink alert: What is “mirror sex”?
“The young people making up new ways to be pervy” has been a constant source of fascination for old people since at least the LSD-fueled orgies of the 1960s, but so is the disappointment that comes with finding out nothing they are doing is new, nor all that pervy. Take “mirror sex.” Mirror sex, according to our sister site Mashable, is “using mirrors in some way while having sex,” a practice that was perfected in the 1970s, when people started installing mirrors on the ceiling over their waterbeds in bachelor pads and custom vans across the nation.
New kink alert #2: What is ‘gooning’?
“Gooning” actually does feels current, but maybe not in a good way. Named for the glassy-eyed state its practitioners aspire to, gooning is like edging, but even more so. It’s repeated masturbation to almost orgasm, for hours or sometimes days.
Usually practiced solo, the point of gooning is to get so far into your self-pleasure that you enter an altered state of consciousness, the world slipping away as you become one with your onanism. Dedicated gooners set up “goon caves” where they can watch multiple streams of porn at once. Sometimes they goon-out together online in technologically enhanced circlejerks.
I support legal, consensual, outré pleasure, and I hope the gooners are happy, but the whole thing seems sad to me—like a dystopian, last-days kink based in loneliness and isolation. It’s certainly no surprise gooning really caught on during the pandemic lockdowns.
What are NPC Streamers?
Many gooners, I imagine, also enjoy NPC streamers, who are performers who do imitations of non-player-characters from video games on livestreams. It’s a niche on TikTok Live, where NPCs often perform repetitive, unnatural actions for hours at a time in exchange for tips from viewers. NPC streaming combines elements of cosplay and often anime with stylized, video game-ish movements. The results are something uncanny.
Especially if you don’t know the backstory, random clips of NPC streamers are uniquely disquieting. They’re repetitive, robotic, and free of meaning. The streamers often look like they’re serving a sentence for some unknowable crime. NPC streams are not porn, but they feel like porn. It’s clearly a fetish, but for whom?
When these videos are shared outside of TikTok, they’re met with great confusion. Watch the above compilation of NPC videos from livestreamer/OnlyFans model PinkyDoll to see what I mean. Or check out this TikToker…I think they’re doing an NPC thing, but I don’t even know what’s happening anymore. Shit’s weird.
TikTok livestreams are only one aspect of NPC culture. Videos of people imitating NPCs for comedic purposes have been around for years, and the genre has reached its artistic peak in the videos of Nicki Loczek, who has gained nearly three million followers for her scarily accurate and often hilarious NPC impersonations.
Wonka trailer released; whimsy predicted
The trailer for upcoming holiday release blockbuster hopeful Wonka
is all over the internet this week. It’s a musical prequel/reboot that tells the origin story of Willy Wonka, in case you need to know just how he came to have a chocolate factory to begin with (but I guess don’t accept the version suggested by the Tim Burton reboot). The titular character is played by Timothée Chalamet, who will be joined by Hugh Grant as an Oompa Loompa
Despite many online fans being unimpressed by Chalamet’s edgeless portrayal of Wonka, all children will probably want to see this movie in December. In other words: It’s not for us. The trailer in fact produces an instant wave of nausea in the cynical, due primarily to its unsafe levels of whimsy and imagination. Wonka was directed by Paul King, who made a movie about Paddington the bear that is somehow great, so it’s not hopeless. But, man, that is a lot of whimsy.
Viral video of the week: “The Cat Pervert”
I usually hate street confrontation videos, but this one is great. The beef is between a couple of neighbors, there’s no violence, and the flashpoint is an offscreen cat that I imagine is cool as hell.
The cat was apparently spending time in a neighborhood yard, just hanging out and living its life, but its owner was not happy about it. After arguing over whether cats can understand English or hand signals and repeatedly calling his neighbor a “cat pervert” (I guess for having a yard that appeals to his pet), Cat Karen threatens to report his incredulous neighbor to the police for the crime of “harboring a cat.” I can see why the cat didn’t want to hang around at home; the vibes are clearly not good.