Ford Delays Launch Of New Bronco To Avoid O.J. Simpson’s Birthday
Ford Motor Company announced they will move the planned debut of the new Bronco from July 9 to July 13 after learning the original launch date coincided with O.J. Simpson’s…
The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Dad Who Has It All
Small bottle of dirt you can say is from Tiger Stadium or Gettysburg or wherever ($7.99) Tiny, nondescript bottle of dirt you can make your dad believe was collected from…
Resigned Pew Research Study Has No Fucking Clue What’s Going On With 15% Of Americans
WASHINGTON—Classifying millions of citizens around the country as “total goddamn mysteries,” a resigned Pew Research study released Friday found it was impossible to determine what the fuck was going on…
Kristen Stewart To Play Princess Diana In Upcoming Biopic
Twilight star Kristen Stewart is set to play Princess Diana in an upcoming film which focuses on a weekend in the early 1990s when Diana decided she could no longer…
Man Hates How Hot Dog-Eating Contests Reduce Art Of Eating Hot Dogs To A Competition
BATON ROUGE, LA—Defending the deeply personal pursuit of choking down as many ballpark franks as you can cram into your mouth, local man Tim Aveline told reporters Friday he hated…
‘It’s Perfect Outside,’ Announces Sweating Woman Slowly Losing Consciousness In Middle Of Heatstroke
SKOKIE, IL—Visibly sweating under the scorching summer sun, local woman Chloe Baumgartner reportedly announced “It’s perfect outside” Friday while slowly losing consciousness in the middle of a heatstroke. “What a…
Huh, Boyfriend’s Ex Just Made Interesting Hair Choice
AUSTIN, TX—After a routine inspection of a mutual acquaintance’s Instagram page, local woman Alison Hannon remarked Monday that, huh, her boyfriend’s ex seems to have just made an interesting hair…
Father’s Day Gifts That Will Make Your Dad Feel Exactly The Way He Already Feels
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