When children are younger, we tell them they’re good at everything, whether it’s a piece of artwork they drew or the “somersault” they attempted at the park. But as they age, kids are challenged more and might become anxious about not meeting expectations. Worse, they can let the endless praise go to their heads if they haven’t built up their self-awareness. If you’ve seen any Will Ferrell movie from the 2000’s (Anchorman and Talladega Nights come to mind), you know it won’t help your child become a healthy adult.
“Everyone is not good at everything, and that is OK,” says Dr. Caroline Leaf, a communication pathologist, clinical neuroscientist, and author of How to Help Your Child Clean Up Their Mental Mess. “We don’t want to breed narcissism.”
So how can parents encourage their children to discover their strengths and weaknesses and build self-awareness? We’ll share tips to keep you honest and avoid damaging your kid’s self-esteem.
Set the example
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Leaf recommends building a connection by showing how you manage challenging situations and sharing your feelings with them instead of hiding them. No matter how much we try to shield our children from the ugly parts of our lives, they’re very attuned to what’s happening. Repressing emotions could lead them to interpret that they are the problem.
“You can connect, get a plan, and put it into action,” she explains. “This stops kids from thinking there’s something wrong with them and develops this deep, meaningful, and collaborative relationship. It also frees the child to be much more relaxed and open about who they are and explore their thoughts and beliefs.”
Talk about weaknesses
For all the talk about praising our children too much or not enough, it has become taboo for adults and children to talk about weaknesses. Acknowledging and discussing what we are not good at can be just as important as what we excel in. The nonprofit Understood says recognizing that we need improvement shows children how different we are and helps them realize their strengths. Try using members of your family as an example: “Dad is great at fixing things that break but not so great at making dinner.”
Practice balancing the compliment
In a season three episode of Bluey, the titular heeler asks her mother why she’s such a great drawer and her dad isn’t. It turns out her father got discouraged when he was young because a classmate told him his drawings were terrible. Bluey’s mother, on the other hand, was encouraged by her own mom, who added this critical distinction: “for a seven-year-old.”
While we typically advise not taking advice from a cartoon dog, Leaf agrees that it’s good to acknowledge when something is well done while nicely stating there is always room for improvement.
“It’s a good balance,” she says. “If you’re stimulating that level of curiosity in a child, they’ll run with it and be challenged in a very nice way.”
Don’t force a talent
Your kid may be naturally gifted at baseball, but rather than become the next Derek Jeter, he would much rather swing a virtual bat on his PlayStation. Instead of encouraging (or forcing) them to pursue a career in the Big Leagues, investigate why they don’t like it.
“It could be related to being teased by someone on the team,” Leaf says. “It could be related to the coach. It could be related to something that happened that could be stealing the joy from your child—maybe they don’t like to compete.”
In other words, be curious rather than pushy.
Manage their expectations
There’s always a seed of doubt whenever we start learning anything new or developing a skill, but criticism can cause negativity to take root. This feeling can come from significant expectations, leaving kids to think they did something wrong rather than learning from the experience.
Jerry Bubrick, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, recommends parents help by setting manageable goals to build their confidence: “It’s not lowering our standards, but making our expectations more attainable.”
Get them thinking about their thinking
Children often reflect on strengths and weaknesses in two ways: We can or can’t do something. They rarely give themselves little room to change their thinking on that. Teaching them to take a moment to consider how they adapt to challenges and criticism helps them to become more independent and resilient and avoid negativity. This concept is known as metacognition.
“Metacognitive thinking teaches us about ourselves,” learning coach Tamara Rosier told Child Mind Institute. “Thinking about our thinking creates perspective—perspective that leaves room for change.”
When children get discouraged, try asking them questions that are open-ended and focused on a solution, such as “ How will you know when this drawing is finished?” or “How could you handle it differently?” It will slowly change how they think about their weaknesses.