What is it about complaining that is so enticing and traps some people more than others? We all work with colleagues who complain, and there are some who just keep at it. But why?
In Harvard Business Review, Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries writes “Through the repetition of bad, sad, mad and powerless feelings, the neurotransmitters in the brain can go through a neural “rewiring,” which reinforces negative thought patterns, making it easier for unhappy thoughts to repeat themselves…. overtime, complainers become negativity addicts, attracted to the drama that comes with a complaining attitude.”
This means that despite our best efforts to help a negativity addict problem-solve, our words of advice may go unheard. So, what do we do? Just let that chronic complainer hi-jack our meetings and squash our ideas? No, of course not. Seek to understand them first.
People complain at work for many reasons. They may be bored, feeling under-valued, or just don’t have the desire to do the work that is in front of them. They also might feel wronged or even betrayed by the institution or their boss. These emotions are strong, and many people don’t handle them well.
Moreover, if their behavior is persistent, then that means they have a firm habit of complaining. So, again, spending your energy on giving advice probably won’t help them much. They’ll be back at it soon enough.
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Now, it’s about interacting with them on your terms. They’ve chosen to come to you, so you get to determine when and how long they take up your time. It’s really about setting some boundaries. Here’s how.
Interrupt to bring awareness to their behavior
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When that chronic complainer comes to you again with the same or similar gripes, feel free to interrupt them and ask them what the goal of the conversation is. This might look like asking them what they need or what they’re trying to accomplish. You can interject and say, “Before you go further, what do you want out of this conversation? Do you need me to help you problem-solve or just listen?” Be candid that you want to be on the same page with them before they continue so that the conversation is productive.
Don’t worry about being perceived as unprofessional for interrupting. This is a warranted interruption because it sets expectations for the conversation by identifying what point is being made.
Here’s why interrupting can be beneficial. Often, people who engage in persistent behavior are unaware of how persistent it is. It may feel normal to them, a habit that emerged without realizing it. An interruption helps them hit pause, consider the purpose of their actions, and maybe even become more self-aware. The first step toward changing behavior is awareness of it. This may help a persistent complainer do that.
Put structure around complaining
There is always a little time in the day to complain so it can be helpful to put some structure to it. Some teams I work with have a weekly meeting for 10-15 minutes of complaining. They “get it all out” during a set time and then get back to work. This complaint-fest also creates humor and playfulness, all important experiences for colleagues to share together.
Time limits help too. How long are you willing to listen? Maybe it’s 5 minutes, maybe 15 minutes. A former colleague kept an egg timer in her office. If someone came to complain to her, she set it for 10 minutes and told them to continue. They had to keep talking while the timer ticked along. Many people thought it was rude of her to do this but most stopped going to her to complain. In her words, “My strategy worked!”
Another way to put structure to complaining is by coupling it with something positive. One team I’ve worked with called it “Complaints and Kudos”. Meaning they intentionally set time to complain but they also shared successes. This team struck a balance with complaining by recognizing that some things at work are indeed annoying, frustrating, and stressful or worthy of complaints. But, there are also a lot of good things happening too.
Complaining isn’t inherently bad. Sometimes it can serve a purpose to build relatedness or camaraderie. If you work with a persistent complainer, consider that. Maybe they seek a sense of belonging. But if not, you must take control of the situation. Your own productivity and effectiveness may depend on it.