Every week, there seems to be a new parenting style with a clever name or idea behind it. Perhaps you’ve heard of “sittervising,” where you sit down and watch your kids from afar. It sounds exactly like what most parents do all day, every day—someone just gave it a cool moniker and shared it on Instagram. There’s no research behind it to show whether it benefits your children in any way.
Then, on the other hand, there’s lighthouse parenting. What sets this style apart from other parenting styles is that the American Academy of Pediatrics endorses its well-researched concepts: balancing the need to be loving, warm, and responsive with your children while holding them accountable for their actions, keeping them responsible, and protecting them from danger.
“It basically says, ‘Be like a lighthouse, a stable force on the shore from which your kids can measure themselves and return to. Look down at the rocks and make sure that your child doesn’t crash against them. But also look into the waves and imagine that your child is going to have to learn to ride them. It’s your job to prepare them to do so,'” says Kenneth Ginsburg, M.D., MS Ed, FAAP, a pediatrician specializing in adolescent medicine at The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and author of Raising Kids to Thrive: Balancing Love With Expectations and Protection With Trust. Chances are you’re already practicing some of the principles of this research-backed common sense approach to parenting.
Set reasonable limits
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As a parent, we love our kids unconditionally, but that love doesn’t mean you pat them on the back and praise them or give them free reign over your home. You might not like everything they do, but you expect them to grow into a loving and respectful human who knows who they are, so don’t let them be rude or hurt others.
“Your job is to shape and to guide your child,” says Ginsburg. “That’s part of what love is. Love is preparing them. Love is caring about them. Love is expecting them to be their very best.”
Let your kids fail
Humans make mistakes all the time: It’s what makes us who we are, and hopefully we get some insight from our blunders. If we don’t let little humans make mistakes, are they learning anything? Kids won’t know how to recover from failure if they’ve never been disappointed. Instead of doing something for them or fixing their mistake, show them how to do better and aim even higher.
“When we model how we shift a plan to come up with a better one because our first plan didn’t work, we’re teaching kids how to recover,” says Ginsburg.
Maintain reasonable expectations
Parents should praise their kids and expect them to make a vigorous effort, but pushing them to get the best grades or win every award will backfire. All they learn from this misplaced encouragement is that they will never be satisfactory in your eyes. Instead, reinforce the traits and attributes to help them put good into the world and model what you want your child to become.
“If high expectations are about knowing who your child really is, in their core goodness, human humility, kindness, generosity, and compassion, and you hold them to that standard, then you become their lighthouse,” says Ginsberg.
Don’t hang over your kids
Lighthouse parenting doesn’t mean you compromise your child’s safety; uou’re not going to let them put their hand over a hot stove or get in the car with a drunk driver. However, if you hover over your kids almost every moment of the day or do their homework, you’re sending a message that they can’t do things independently. Ginsberg says the best way to protect your child is to prepare them for the real world.
“If they get better grades today, what’s going to happen in college,” he says. “Are you going to write their essays for them? Are you going to keep their schedule for them? [Parenting] is about preparation for the real world with an eye toward long-term authentic success.”
Let them express themselves
Children are learning to process their feelings, and part of being a parent is showing them how to cope. However, Ginsberg says you should never tell your child they are too sensitive or worry too much.
“What you do say is, ‘Your superpower is how much you care. However, when you care this much, sometimes it hurts. Your journey is to learn how to use your strengths and deal with having all of these feelings. You will benefit so many other people when you learn that,'” adds Ginsberg.
Let them know you’re there for them
Parents should encourage constructive communication, yet they always ask Ginsburg what to say to their kids so they know they are there for them. He replies by telling parents they don’t have to have the perfect words for their kids.
“You have to demonstrate with your presence that you’re not going anywhere,” he says. “You show up. You stand by your kids. You say, ‘I don’t have an immediate answer. But I know you’re not going to go through this alone.'”