Welcome to Evil Week, our annual dive into all the slightly sketchy hacks we’d usually refrain from recommending. Want to weasel your way into free drinks, play elaborate mind games, or, er, launder some money? We’ve got all the info you need to be successfully unsavory.
Lying or joking about being pregnant is repugnant, nasty stuff and is usually reserved for the worst people you know to tastelessly do on April Fool’s Day. Implying or simply not denying you’re pregnant (even though you aren’t), however, is a life skill that hurts no one. Allow me to explain.
Why lying about pregnancy is bad and not denying it is fine
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Lying about a pregnancy—especially publicly—is a slap in the face to anyone who has had trouble getting or staying pregnant for any reason. It’s simply shitty behavior. I say this as someone who was lucky enough to be born after eight prior attempts by my parents to have a baby. My entire life has been colored by the unique mixture of heartache and joy that goes into pregnancy for so many couples, and I don’t take my parents’ efforts for granted, ever.
However, if someone thinks you are pregnant and you don’t correct them, it’s not quite as serious. People can think whatever they want about you and treat you however their assumptions lead them to. It happens all the time. I’m almost 32 but I look much younger, for instance; sometimes if I’m not wearing makeup, people treat me really kindly, like I’m just a kid. The only time I pipe up is when I’m being stopped on suspicion of being a runaway or truant, which, yes, has happened. You’re not responsible for educating everyone you meet about who you are. If someone assumes you’re pregnant, say, because you look exhausted and are resting your hand on your stomach, which you just so happen not to be sucking in and may even be pushing out, that’s their own doing. If they, I don’t know, offer you their seat on the train, it would be silly to tell them you’re not, in fact, with child. Really, you’d only embarrass them, and that’s not nice.
You see where we’re going with this.
What a pregnancy implication can earn you
Famously, I once had to use the bathroom badly after a long commute. Bodegas in New York City are notorious for not being too willing to let customers around the deli counter and into the john, but I was having an emergency. With my hand on my stomach, I attempted to look a little frenzied and said simply to the cashier, “Can I please use the bathroom?” I glanced down at my abdomen and back up at him. He was immediately startled. I could tell he wasn’t totally sure if I was pregnant (I was not) but he was quickly going through all the possible forthcoming scenarios in his mind. He could ask me if I was pregnant, right? He could make an awkward scene wherein if I were pregnant, he’s just asked me something very personal, and if I weren’t, I’d be offended at the suggestion. He could deny a possibly pregnant woman the bathroom and be an asshole in front of other customers—and maybe even risk me vomiting in his store. Or he could just let me go behind the counter and into the restroom, an inconvenience that wouldn’t last more than a few minutes.
The third option won.
No one got hurt then, just as no one gets hurt if someone offers you a seat on a packed train because they’re choosing to err on the side that you might be carrying a future human being. You’re not making a mockery of anyone; you’re just letting other people’s assumptions dictate how they treat you. You can skip packed queues, take as many bathroom breaks as you want at conferences, turn down advances without fear that the dude is gonna lash out at you, and maybe even get an upgraded seat or perk when you’re traveling. The possibilities are endless, and you’re doing nothing wrong. So look as tired as you can, stick your hand directly on your stomach, and let blessings come to you.