I got a grab bag of kid-internet for you this week, including a president who isn’t completely embarrassing, a podcaster who is, the most heartwarming kick-in-the-balls that has ever been recorded, and an epic Josh battle.
This week in epic battles: Josh vs. Josh vs. Josh
This week, the world’s Joshes met in a Nebraska field for a fight to the death with pool noodles. The event was organized by college student Josh Swain, who sent out a Facebook message last year to a group of people named “Josh Swain,” reading, “We fight, whoever wins gets to keep the name…you have a year to prepare, good luck.”
He meant it as a joke, but the people of the internet, trapped inside for a year and half crazy, did not let it die, expanding the challenge to include all people named “Josh.” This week, it happened. Hundreds of people named Josh showed up to battle, with more non-Joshes watching from the sidelines.
After a heated pool noodle melee, a winner emerged: Four-year-old Josh Vinson, Jr, aka “Little Josh.” He is now the only person on earth allowed to be called “Josh.” (Sorry, fake-Josh.) The event also raised more than $10,000 for Nebraska’s Children’s Hospital and Medical Center Foundation.
This week in podcasting: Joe Rogan’s terrible advice
Early this week, notable lunkhead Joe Rogan advised young people to not get vaccinated for COVID-19 if they are “young and eating well,” citing the no-big-deal illnesses of his own children as evidence. “If you’re, like, 21 years old, and you say to me, ‘Should I get vaccinated?’ I’ll go no,” Rogan said to his over 11 million listeners. Anthony Fauci, on the other hand, went “yes.”
Ordinarily, the opinions of meatheads aren’t part of our national conversation on public health policy, but Rogan hosts the most listened-to podcast on earth, and we’ve all gone insane, so Dr. Fauci was forced to respond to the ex-host of Fear Factor.
“You’re worried about yourself getting infected and the likelihood that you’re not going to get any symptoms. But you can get infected, and will get infected, if you put yourself at risk,” Fauci said on The Today Show. Adding that even if you are asymptomatic, you will still pass the disease on to others who may be more vulnerable to it.
To be fair to Rogan, he walked back the remark on Thursday, saying he’s not anti-vaxx, and adding, “I’m not a doctor. I’m a f—-ing moron…I’m not a respected source of information, even for me.”
Viral video of the week: TikToker kicks friend in the balls
The story of Chase Gets Better kicking his friend Dan in the nards is the most heartwarming ball-kicking tale in human history. It started when a freak accident in January left Chase paralyzed from the shoulders down. His doctors feared he’d remain paralyzed, but Josh started rehab with the singular goal of re-learning how to flip the bird.
After accomplishing that important communication milestone, Chase’s friend Dan promised to let Chase kick him in the balls when he was released from rehab, and the real work began.
Exceptionally committed to his new goal, Chase and his medical team embarked on arduous training regime that eventually returned enough mobility to Chase’s legs to kick his friend square in the yarbles (oh, and walk again). When the big day came, Dan lived up to his promise, and Chase squared off and fully dropped his friend to the floor with a bag-kick worthy of Kickboxer star Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Joe Biden sticks up for trans kids
I know young people don’t usually follow politics (I get it; it’s boring and depressing), but if you know any younger trans people, make sure they’ve seen Joe Biden’s first joint address to congress. In it, the president draws a line in the sand in defense of a traditionally marginalized group: “To all transgender Americans watching at home, especially the young people. You’re so brave. I want you to know your president has your back,” Biden said.
Activists hailed the president’s message as a long-overdue recognition of trans people’s fight for equality, but what the president having the backs of trans people will actually mean remains to be seen. With at least six states having recently signed legislation aimed at limiting the rights of trans people, we are at the beginning of a new phase in the struggle for human rights in America.
This isn’t the first time Biden has defended trans people. Diamond Joe won my heart and vote back in 2019 when an agitator at a campaign event asked him, “How many genders are there?” Without skipping a beat, Biden shot back, “I don’t know, but at least three,” adding “Don’t play games with me, kid.” You can’t spell “Biden” without BDE.
Bigot harasses teens, gets canceled
While President Biden might be standing up for trans rights, there’s a long way to go, as evidenced by an infuriating video that went viral this week. In it, Tennessee executive and total asshole Sam Johnson harasses a trans teenager and, in the process, burns up his own life.
Johnson, a grown-ass man, was at a hotel this week and ran across a group of teenagers hanging around before their prom. One of the teens, Dalton Stevens, was wearing a dress. (He looks great, BTW.)
Johnson, his masculinity shaken, decided against minding his own biz and began harassing the teen, following him around, telling him he looked like an idiot, and otherwise being a gigantic bastard. Witnesses urged Johnson to leave the kid alone, saying, “It’s a bunch of kids,” and “Come on, dude.” But the complete asshole was undeterred.
There is a happy ending to the story, though. Walton’s boyfriend posted a video of the incident and Johnson, who was the CEO of a healthcare technology company called VisuWell, was immediately fired from his job.
“He’s just a total asshole,” the company did not say in a statement. “I mean, for fuck’s sake,” they did not add.