JACKSON, TN—Insisting through coughs that he refused to let the physician politicize his death, local conservative man Paul Welles reportedly begged his doctor Friday to “tell the world I also had asthma” before dying of coronavirus. “Tell everyone who will listen that it wasn’t coronavirus that killed me—it was asthma, and high cholesterol, and blood pressure!” the dying Trump supporter reportedly told the hospital staff between gasps for breath, demanding that they write down his cause of death as heart failure or respiratory issues. “I refuse to die from coronavirus. Tell them that I didn’t take my health seriously, I smoked for nearly 20 years, and I didn’t eat a very healthy diet. Any of those things is bound to be more responsible for my death than the coronavirus. I refuse to be a statistic. Promise me—goddammit, promise that you’ll tell everyone it was a pre-existing condition and coronavirus had nothing to do with it. Tell them I was statistically more likely to get hit by a bus.” At press time, the conservative man’s dying words were reportedly “I am old.”