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Query: We got married last year but our sex life is down the drain. Every time I tried initiating it, he would always find some excuse. Then lockdown happened and I tried again several times, but he still manages to find some way out of it. And last week I found out he browsed many gay sex websites. Please help me! I want to confront him but will it end my marriage?

Response by Dr Ishita Mukerji: In current times, the norms of the society have evolved to accept exceptions as each individual has a right to live his life the way he or she wants as long as their lifestyle does not interfere or disturb the peace and wellbeing of the members of the society that they live in. This is the basic principal of peaceful human coexistence.

You have shared that you have tried several time to consummate your marriage with your husband but it hasn’t worked. There is definitely a possibility of some fear, apprehension or a condition that has kept your husband to participate in your desire to take your relationship forward. While I understand that frustration and inquisitiveness would have forced you to peep into your husband, I would personally recommend an open and friendly conversation between both of you, rather than you making spying moves. As, doubt-based investigations do not prove to be of any use.

Taking your finding into consideration, and assuming that there may be a possibility of your husband having a different sexual orientation, I would suggest a peaceful and open conversation and I want you to note that I have particularly used the word “conversation” instead of “confrontation”. Before you get into a discussion, I suggest you prepare yourself that if your findings have any relevance, you would need to move out of this marriage and look at restarting this chapter of your life again. You also should gather the courage to accept that sometimes things happen like an accident where you may have financial and material loss but you still have a life to regain what you lost. You need to look at the positive side in case things turn out the way you anticipate.

The second thing is that if your husband accepts that he has a different sexual orientation and had given into this arrangement out of some compulsion regardless of whether you find them fair / unfair a peaceful acceptance and soonest exit would be in your favor. However, doubts would remain doubts until proven correct. For this I suggest that you initiate a friendly conversation with your husband and tell him that you are in pain to notice his disinterest / discomfort in initiating a physical relation with you which could be due to several mental or physical reasons.
However, as a wife and as a woman you expect to establish a family with him, you’d like to seek help of a psychologist to smoothen out any rough that may be present from either side. He would either open with you directly about his challenges or may even opt for taking the help of a psychologist to overcome his inhibitions in this matter.

This, I think is a better and wiser way of handling this issue as whatever the situation with your husband, you would have acted as an empathetic companion and supported him in a condition where things really could have been worse for him. In the end, I would say that you should not worry about staying or moving out of the marriage yet but be intelligently prepared for either of the cases.

– Dr Ishita Mukerji, Senior Psychologist, Kaleidoscope, mental wellness center

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