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LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that, for a limited time only, there would be no minimum purchases required for new team members, global multilevel marketing corporation Herbalife successfully launched a product sampler kit into deep space Wednesday to reach alien civilizations with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. “In the event that there are intelligent lifeforms out there, we believe it is our duty at Herbalife to share this exclusive invitation to easily make huge amounts of cash from the comfort of their home planet,” said a smiling, overenthusiastic gold-tier Herbalife independent distributor, Marlena Jackson, explaining that contacting just three previously unknown alien societies who each made contact with three more would not only cover the cost of the starter pack but double or triple the incomes of anyone who came aboard. “What if I told you, extraterrestrial beings, that you, too, could set your own hours according to the laws of physics in your area, be your own intergalactic overlord, and work from anywhere in the universe in whatever dimension you wanted, all while receiving fun and fabulous rewards and incentives? Well, that’s what I’m telling you! Your best life is within reach as an Herbalife Exoplanetary Ambassador. Simply fill out the purchase form included with your complementary protein-rich meal replacement samples, and mail it—along with a cashier’s check or money order, plus shipping to the main office in Brentwood, Los Angeles, California, Earth, Milky Way.” At press time, Herbalife was broadcasting a radio signal to Mars with the message that a chance like this only comes around once in the entire history of space-time.

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