Dow Skyrockets After Coronavirus Begins Trading On New York Stock Exchange
NEW YORK—With investors highly bullish about the long-term prospects of the respiratory virus, market reports confirmed Friday the Dow Jones Industrial Average skyrocketed nearly 400 points after the novel coronavirus…
New York Attorney General Files Suit To Dissolve NRA
New York attorney general Letitia James told reporters in a press conference Thursday that her office will attempt to dissolve the National Rifle Association, alleging years of financial misconduct and…
Man With Obnoxious Voice Has Been Violently Killed Thousands Of Times In Imaginations Of Others
KALAMAZOO, MI—During a routine visit to a neighborhood coffee shop, local man Dan Billings was reportedly violently killed Friday for the thousandth time in the imagination of anyone within earshot…
New Smoke Detector Only Alerts You If You’ve Got Decent Shot Of Getting Out Alive
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Cardboard Fan In Stable Condition After Being Hit By Foul Ball
BOSTON—Assuring Red Sox Nation that the cutout would make a full recovery, General Manager Brian O’Halloran told reporters Friday that a cardboard fan was in stable condition after being hit…
The Onion’s Guide To QAnon
The increasingly popular conspiracy theory QAnon was recently the target of a Twitter crackdown, and several of its adherents are running for office across the country. But what is QAnon,…
‘Run! Dear God, Run!’ Screams Woman Who Forgot About Sourdough Starter As Doughy Tendril Wraps Around Throat
CHICAGO—Quickly grabbing for a kitchen knife as the warm, doughy tendril wrapped around her neck, local woman Keira Gardner urged her roommates to “run, dear God, run” Friday after the…
Grocery Prices Spike During Pandemic
New data from the Bureau of Economic Analysis shows that the costs of meat, eggs, vegetables, and other staples have increased by up to 20% since February, in part due…