Paleontologist Wouldn’t Mind Excavating Site Near Decent Chophouse For Once

ANTELOPE COUNTY, NE—Expressing that he certainly wouldn’t say no if such an occurrence ever took place, paleontologist Rich O’Donnell admitted Wednesday that he wouldn’t mind excavating somewhere close to a half-decent chophouse for once. “Obviously it’s not the focus of the job, but I’ll tell you that I wouldn’t complain if just one time we wound up digging for fossils somewhere I could get a nice dry-aged porterhouse afterwards,” said O’Donnell, confirming that spending an afternoon unearthing the remains of creatures from before the Holocene Epoch could build up a hankering for a juicy, hand-cut steak as well as a side of creamed spinach or scalloped potatoes. “I know it’s not that likely, but just imagine if someday somebody finds some mastodon bones outside of a strip mall and we’re called in to collect them. My team and I could grab a few cold ones after a long day, order up some wagyu, maybe a nice tiramisu, and return to the dig site the next morning refreshed and energized. It doesn’t even have to be anything that fancy. Honestly, I’d even take a Sizzler or an Outback Steakhouse at this point.” At press time, an ambivalent O’Donnell was celebrating the discovery of a new species of giant sloth by biting into a dry, slightly stale granola bar.

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