NEW YORK—Insisting that the sports media giant was doing everything in its power to protect vulnerable groups, ESPN officials encouraged Get Up! host Mike Greenberg to wear a face mask to help prevent the spread of inane commentary. “We’re taking every necessary precaution to make sure Mike’s pointless babble doesn’t contaminate the studio,” said ESPN president James Pitaro, noting a significant improvement in company health after he required Max Kellerman to wear a mask and face shield. “Studies have shown that masks are 95% effective at muffling lukewarm ramblings about the NBA bubble. Ideally, nobody would be exposed to Mike Greenberg at all, but that just isn’t possible right now. We’re taking this problem seriously because it can affect everyone, no matter your age or race.” At press time, ESPN extended the mask requirement after learning elderly Americans who were exposed to Greenberg’s analysis had a 10% mortality rate.

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