NEW YORK—Expressing his affection for the close-knit community he’d helped foster, CEO Tony Vanders of regional communications Vandcorp Media told reporters Tuesday that he has always thought of his company as one big Manson family. “I know it’s something of a cliché, but I honestly consider my employees to be close, tightly knit, utterly devoted cadre of loyal followers who take my every word as absolute authority,” said the executive, claiming the bonds he shared with his workers weren’t unlike those of a fanatical commune of brainwashed zealots. “We’ve got all the typical Manson Family dynamics. I’m the paternal figure who keeps his subordinates in a stupor of exhaustion and confusion in order to make them particularly malleable to his twisted whims. Alice Fendelman is our parallel to Squeaky Fromme, who uses the pretense of taking care of the family members to ensure no one acts against the family interests—naturally, she’s our HR director. As for the rest, I have no doubt they’d kill for me if asked, seeing as I stripped them of their individual humanity long ago.” Vanders added that he originally started his company to punish his underlings and the world at large for his lack of artistic success.