BLOOMINGTON, IN—Researchers at the Psychology and Brain Sciences department of Indiana University published a new study Thursday confirming that a person’s aching desire for their one true love that’s been separated by fate is still no match for a good porkin’. “Although many find immense satisfaction in eagerly waiting for the postal worker to deliver the latest dispatch from their dearly beloved from whom they’ve been unfairly torn apart, our findings indicate that this phenomenon doesn’t hold a candle to deep-dicking,” said head researcher Roger Patel, adding that all data suggests that the sensation of frantically tearing open an epistle from your dearest darling failed to compete with a good, old-fashioned hard pounding. “There is this false notion that the most divine catharsis comes from desperately craving the touch of your eternal flame, when, in fact, the truth is that this yearning is nothing compared to a blowout fuckfest that leaves you raw and moaning. Even if your star-crossed lover is separated by oceans or mountains, we have been able to prove on a consistent basis that trembling at the thought of reuniting can’t even be put in the same category as bumping uglies all damn night long.” Patel added that their preliminary research has also suggested that pining for your sweetheart’s return doesn’t even compare to a quickie in a public park.